I had an experience recently, the details of which are not important, that caused me (once I wiped away my salted tears) to oscillate violently in an ocean of anger, sadness and finally confusion.
Good thoughts -- without knowing the person, your history with them, and the issue, here are a few thoughts.
At this point, there is not much that can trigger me. If someone wants to express negativity toward me, my reaction is to find the potential truth in it, acknowledge it if necessary, and to point out that their way of expressing it is hurtful.
This person appears to have said incredibly mean words that are hard to shake.
Several years ago, a family very close to ours experienced a divorce. I tried to remain friends with both of them. But the wife could not let it go - in 6 years we had 8 conversations and she torched me in every one of them - either for not telling her husband to cancel the divorce or not being a good enough friend to her. I literally felt fear and anxiety every time I saw her name appear on my phone.
Over the years, you naturally drift away from friendships so when that happens everyone is OK with it. But to consciously "break up" with a friend just rips me up inside. I've only done it just this once. Because being loyal is very important to me, she was able to trigger me - she repeatedly pushed that button every few minutes in those conversations. She was like a lawyer, challenging every statement and expressing long pauses (for effect) followed by emotional tones - "Wow". All I could say was "I no longer feel connected to you".
I too, for decades, "would have let the person have their way, feel better and I would be left with a false smile and feeling like road kill inside."
Since the heart attack and transplant, i have found that many friends and family periodically and spontaneously speak incredibly kind words. I let them drown out someone who would do otherwise. Sometimes I even "Embrace the Suck". (I didn't Embrace the Suck in the above relationship!)
I believe that there are many folks in your life who can do the same - drown out the negative voices.
Joe, thank you so much for this wonderful "piece" on your life experiences and I will reflect on them and hold them close. Your life experiences and the way that you conduct your life have always impressed me. Yes, there are many folks (you included) how can drown out the negative voices. Thank you.
A woman behind me at a traffic light beeped at me recently to “remind” me that I could make a right turn on red like I was unaware of this law after driving for 40 years which I eventually did (very slowly and passive aggressively) once the traffic (that she couldn’t see) passed. And as she speedily passed me, I nonchalantly had my middle finger pressed to the side of my window. She of course was staring me down and noted said finger and proceeded to seek out where I parked - going out of her way to do so, like had to backtrack her route - and I saw her coming. She confronted me, asking what my problem was which left the door wide open to say “YOU and your rude, hurried beeping”. We exchanged words, me saying something like, “Well, you don’t seem so much in a hurry at the moment” which of course sent her into a tizzy and I finally walked away with a slight wave as if swatting a fly, calling her “an uninformed rude a$$hole of a driver”. I regret the exchange to this day because I am a nice person, obvs, but on the other hand part of me doesn’t because she was what I said she was and someone needed to tell her that. <shrug> And I proceeded to be extra nice at work to counterbalance bad karma. The End
Kristen, I love this all so much. Thank you for your story. I think my favorite part is "And I proceeded to be extra nice at work to counterbalance bad karma." Truly, reading your encounter (written in such fabulous detail) has helped me this morning.
I believe we are always evolving, growing and learning about ourselves every day, month, year of our lives. If we aren't, then we aren't truly living to our full potential. Life is full of beautiful moments, as well as adversities and tragedies. Because of my own personal circumstances of the past decade, I am no longer the person I was before everything started. I am still myself at the very core of my being, but my entire outlook on life has changed because of everything that has happened to me and in my life. I am the opposite of you when it comes to confrontations. Confrontations aren't always large, they can be very small as well. One thing that people close to me know about me, is that I have never been afraid of confrontations. Someone who had just met me, told a close friend of mine that she thought I was "so nice". Which I believe I am. My close friend responded to her, "Oh, Susan is very nice, but if your cross her or someone she cares about, watch out." I personally have had to learn to refrain myself in confrontations. As my older sister says about me, "Susan, most people's thinking slows down during confrontations as they are uncomfortable, nervous, angry, etc. Your mind speeds up even more and it's almost impossible to keep up with your thinking when are in a confrontation or disagreement. Once when I was in college, my dear friend and roommate did something that really angered me. She is a wonderful person and I love her dearly, but I was so upset with her that I slept in another friend's room that night. When I went into our room the next morning, I was set to discuss what she had done that angered me so much the night before. I had no sooner walked into our room, when she said, "Susan, I don't want to argue with you. I can't keep up with you in an argument. I am really sorry for what I did and I understand why you are angry." I knew she was sincere, so that ended our disagreement immediately. I have improved keeping my mouth shut when necessary over the years, but like all of us, I will always be a work in progress. Yes, you are a good person, Mary. Like all human beings, you found yourself in a situation in which you were pushed too far. (I have to admit that I laughed out loud when you said the incident took place in a restaurant. Aren't we human beings just oh, so beautiful in all of our glory at every moment of the day??? ;-) ) I just remembered something that you may get a kick out of. When I was teaching first grade at a private school, I was the teacher who stood at the top of the stairs in the hallway at the main door leading into all of the classrooms. As each parent arrived, while they waited out in the hall, I would go in and let each child know their parent had arrived. I would then go back out into the hallway and wait for other parents to arrive and make sure each child went home with his or her parent. One afternoon one of our moms had been out to lunch with a couple of her girlfriends and she had had two glasses of wine, so she arrived with that happy go lucky glow from wine with a nice lunch. We had another mom at our school whom, shall we say, she didn't get along with. The other mom made some comment which set off the mom who had had such a lovely lunch and because she had a couple of glasses of wine in her, she really went off the deep end, verbally, in front of the parents waiting for their kids to come out of the classrooms and the children who were walking out to their parents. This was my first year teaching after college and I asked one of the owners of the school what to do. She told me to take the mom who had become hostile into the office and that she would address the matter. That was quite the awkward moment in my first year of teaching. ;-) But again, yes, you are a good person, Mary1
Hi Mary,
Good thoughts -- without knowing the person, your history with them, and the issue, here are a few thoughts.
At this point, there is not much that can trigger me. If someone wants to express negativity toward me, my reaction is to find the potential truth in it, acknowledge it if necessary, and to point out that their way of expressing it is hurtful.
This person appears to have said incredibly mean words that are hard to shake.
Several years ago, a family very close to ours experienced a divorce. I tried to remain friends with both of them. But the wife could not let it go - in 6 years we had 8 conversations and she torched me in every one of them - either for not telling her husband to cancel the divorce or not being a good enough friend to her. I literally felt fear and anxiety every time I saw her name appear on my phone.
Over the years, you naturally drift away from friendships so when that happens everyone is OK with it. But to consciously "break up" with a friend just rips me up inside. I've only done it just this once. Because being loyal is very important to me, she was able to trigger me - she repeatedly pushed that button every few minutes in those conversations. She was like a lawyer, challenging every statement and expressing long pauses (for effect) followed by emotional tones - "Wow". All I could say was "I no longer feel connected to you".
I too, for decades, "would have let the person have their way, feel better and I would be left with a false smile and feeling like road kill inside."
Since the heart attack and transplant, i have found that many friends and family periodically and spontaneously speak incredibly kind words. I let them drown out someone who would do otherwise. Sometimes I even "Embrace the Suck". (I didn't Embrace the Suck in the above relationship!)
I believe that there are many folks in your life who can do the same - drown out the negative voices.
Love how you process these life situations.
Joe, thank you so much for this wonderful "piece" on your life experiences and I will reflect on them and hold them close. Your life experiences and the way that you conduct your life have always impressed me. Yes, there are many folks (you included) how can drown out the negative voices. Thank you.
A woman behind me at a traffic light beeped at me recently to “remind” me that I could make a right turn on red like I was unaware of this law after driving for 40 years which I eventually did (very slowly and passive aggressively) once the traffic (that she couldn’t see) passed. And as she speedily passed me, I nonchalantly had my middle finger pressed to the side of my window. She of course was staring me down and noted said finger and proceeded to seek out where I parked - going out of her way to do so, like had to backtrack her route - and I saw her coming. She confronted me, asking what my problem was which left the door wide open to say “YOU and your rude, hurried beeping”. We exchanged words, me saying something like, “Well, you don’t seem so much in a hurry at the moment” which of course sent her into a tizzy and I finally walked away with a slight wave as if swatting a fly, calling her “an uninformed rude a$$hole of a driver”. I regret the exchange to this day because I am a nice person, obvs, but on the other hand part of me doesn’t because she was what I said she was and someone needed to tell her that. <shrug> And I proceeded to be extra nice at work to counterbalance bad karma. The End
Kristen, I love this all so much. Thank you for your story. I think my favorite part is "And I proceeded to be extra nice at work to counterbalance bad karma." Truly, reading your encounter (written in such fabulous detail) has helped me this morning.
I believe we are always evolving, growing and learning about ourselves every day, month, year of our lives. If we aren't, then we aren't truly living to our full potential. Life is full of beautiful moments, as well as adversities and tragedies. Because of my own personal circumstances of the past decade, I am no longer the person I was before everything started. I am still myself at the very core of my being, but my entire outlook on life has changed because of everything that has happened to me and in my life. I am the opposite of you when it comes to confrontations. Confrontations aren't always large, they can be very small as well. One thing that people close to me know about me, is that I have never been afraid of confrontations. Someone who had just met me, told a close friend of mine that she thought I was "so nice". Which I believe I am. My close friend responded to her, "Oh, Susan is very nice, but if your cross her or someone she cares about, watch out." I personally have had to learn to refrain myself in confrontations. As my older sister says about me, "Susan, most people's thinking slows down during confrontations as they are uncomfortable, nervous, angry, etc. Your mind speeds up even more and it's almost impossible to keep up with your thinking when are in a confrontation or disagreement. Once when I was in college, my dear friend and roommate did something that really angered me. She is a wonderful person and I love her dearly, but I was so upset with her that I slept in another friend's room that night. When I went into our room the next morning, I was set to discuss what she had done that angered me so much the night before. I had no sooner walked into our room, when she said, "Susan, I don't want to argue with you. I can't keep up with you in an argument. I am really sorry for what I did and I understand why you are angry." I knew she was sincere, so that ended our disagreement immediately. I have improved keeping my mouth shut when necessary over the years, but like all of us, I will always be a work in progress. Yes, you are a good person, Mary. Like all human beings, you found yourself in a situation in which you were pushed too far. (I have to admit that I laughed out loud when you said the incident took place in a restaurant. Aren't we human beings just oh, so beautiful in all of our glory at every moment of the day??? ;-) ) I just remembered something that you may get a kick out of. When I was teaching first grade at a private school, I was the teacher who stood at the top of the stairs in the hallway at the main door leading into all of the classrooms. As each parent arrived, while they waited out in the hall, I would go in and let each child know their parent had arrived. I would then go back out into the hallway and wait for other parents to arrive and make sure each child went home with his or her parent. One afternoon one of our moms had been out to lunch with a couple of her girlfriends and she had had two glasses of wine, so she arrived with that happy go lucky glow from wine with a nice lunch. We had another mom at our school whom, shall we say, she didn't get along with. The other mom made some comment which set off the mom who had had such a lovely lunch and because she had a couple of glasses of wine in her, she really went off the deep end, verbally, in front of the parents waiting for their kids to come out of the classrooms and the children who were walking out to their parents. This was my first year teaching after college and I asked one of the owners of the school what to do. She told me to take the mom who had become hostile into the office and that she would address the matter. That was quite the awkward moment in my first year of teaching. ;-) But again, yes, you are a good person, Mary1