Doing a Self-Scan…Am I as Good a Person, as I Think I Am?
I had an experience recently, the details of which are not important, that caused me (once I wiped away my salted tears) to oscillate violently in an ocean of anger, sadness and finally confusion.
I was left with the question, “Am I as Good a Person as I Think I Am?” This is good. I have had this practice for a number of years, to ask myself what I have learned or could learn from a difficult situation. No, it is not looking for the “Silver Lining.” It is searching on a soul level for a truth within myself and with that truth, an action to evolve, or to let it be.
I am still in the Pondering Stage. I am not at the Concluding Stage yet, but will get there soon. I stood up for myself, and in the past, I would have let the person have their way, feel better and I would be left with a false smile and feeling like road kill inside.
So, the good news is, no road kill feeling inside this morning. My previous evolution of not shape shifting for the comfort of others is intact. Important to note, that in the interaction of yesterday, I did not in fact take the high road. I met the other person at the proverbial low road.
Sheesh…I had gone in, with the mental/emotional plan not to do that. To get my questions answered, my voice heard, but not to sink to name calling and wishes for that person to spontaneously combust into a ball of flames upon entering the doors of church. Yep, I said that.
I abandoned my mental/emotional plan so fast, and sunk back into the oh-so familiar depths of “this person is baiting you-take the bait.” Damnit woman, stop taking the bait!!!!!
So, we return to my basic question, culled from this ugly exchange (which was in a restaurant-important that you, as the reader can imagine just how crude this tet-a-tet was yesterday.), “Am I a Good Person?”
In the writing of this piece, I see that I am a person learning to stand up for themselves, and doing it in a clunky, non-productive way. Now, does that make me a bad person, a sub-par person, a good person? I think I am a good person, still learning how to stand up for themselves in order for an exchange, when necessary, to be productive and to reach a mutually agreeable way of doing the things that need doing.
Now, how to do this? I have no f’in idea. I can tell you, I do know, that devolving into a state of DEFCON 5 is not the way. Well, it’s not the way for me.
Staying focused on my original question, I am a person who has regrets, could have done certain things much better and also a person who gives but not to the point where I have nothing left for myself. I have been that person that always said “Yes” and was applauded for being so selfless, but I was suffering deeply, manifesting in autoimmune disfunctions and I am not willing to do that to myself anymore.
I do want to form the new story of myself. This past year, I began teaching again and it really represents the potential for letting the past be in the past. Because in all truth, that is what it all is, things that happened, that I did or were done to me, in the past.
Today, I am still self-scanning. I will give myself till the end of the day to do so, and then, this week to reveal the areas I feel I want to alter and/or improve to be the good person I have always wanted to be. To do this, I will do more listening than talking. I will take the stance of astute observer, not labeling, not judging, not imagining, but simply noting. This is super hard for me, when it comes to doing this for myself. It means abandoning all insecurities and when they rise (as they will) silently saying, “I hear you, but I’m observing right now,” so that I can return to this chosen, intentional practice for the week.
Is there anything you are pondering? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below. You know I love the stories of others. I truly do. Please don’t feel like you need to judge me one way or the other. This is a self-quest. Okay, okay, I’m not in the desert, or a sweat lodge. I’m between I95 and Target. Hey, you gotta be where you are to get where you want to be. Thank you for reading my piece.
Hi Mary,
Good thoughts -- without knowing the person, your history with them, and the issue, here are a few thoughts.
At this point, there is not much that can trigger me. If someone wants to express negativity toward me, my reaction is to find the potential truth in it, acknowledge it if necessary, and to point out that their way of expressing it is hurtful.
This person appears to have said incredibly mean words that are hard to shake.
Several years ago, a family very close to ours experienced a divorce. I tried to remain friends with both of them. But the wife could not let it go - in 6 years we had 8 conversations and she torched me in every one of them - either for not telling her husband to cancel the divorce or not being a good enough friend to her. I literally felt fear and anxiety every time I saw her name appear on my phone.
Over the years, you naturally drift away from friendships so when that happens everyone is OK with it. But to consciously "break up" with a friend just rips me up inside. I've only done it just this once. Because being loyal is very important to me, she was able to trigger me - she repeatedly pushed that button every few minutes in those conversations. She was like a lawyer, challenging every statement and expressing long pauses (for effect) followed by emotional tones - "Wow". All I could say was "I no longer feel connected to you".
I too, for decades, "would have let the person have their way, feel better and I would be left with a false smile and feeling like road kill inside."
Since the heart attack and transplant, i have found that many friends and family periodically and spontaneously speak incredibly kind words. I let them drown out someone who would do otherwise. Sometimes I even "Embrace the Suck". (I didn't Embrace the Suck in the above relationship!)
I believe that there are many folks in your life who can do the same - drown out the negative voices.
Love how you process these life situations.
A woman behind me at a traffic light beeped at me recently to “remind” me that I could make a right turn on red like I was unaware of this law after driving for 40 years which I eventually did (very slowly and passive aggressively) once the traffic (that she couldn’t see) passed. And as she speedily passed me, I nonchalantly had my middle finger pressed to the side of my window. She of course was staring me down and noted said finger and proceeded to seek out where I parked - going out of her way to do so, like had to backtrack her route - and I saw her coming. She confronted me, asking what my problem was which left the door wide open to say “YOU and your rude, hurried beeping”. We exchanged words, me saying something like, “Well, you don’t seem so much in a hurry at the moment” which of course sent her into a tizzy and I finally walked away with a slight wave as if swatting a fly, calling her “an uninformed rude a$$hole of a driver”. I regret the exchange to this day because I am a nice person, obvs, but on the other hand part of me doesn’t because she was what I said she was and someone needed to tell her that. <shrug> And I proceeded to be extra nice at work to counterbalance bad karma. The End