Mom is Dying and I am Going to Notice Every Beautiful Thing Today

I have been wordless, and yet filled with words. I am facing a truth I thought would never really happen, and yet knew it would. My mom is dying.

I held her hand yesterday, and in the deepness of my heart, felt the familiarity of it, holding mine on the first day of Kindergarten, in days and nights of sickness, in joy, in laughter, in sorrow of love lost, in that way that only she could do for me.

How do I say goodbye to the one person in life who always saw my uniqueness as a gift, not as a weight? How do I let her go? I don’t want to hear how “she’s going to a better place” or any variation thereof.

I want to feel the deep wound of loss, and the sublime knowledge that I am who am largely because of her.

She was and is the kindest soul on the planet. What will we do without her? For any and all who ever came into her presence, we are all better for her.

She had so many sayings, that usually fell on my teen ears, as irritations.

“Oh well, what are you gonna do?” Said when there is no obvious alternative but moving forward in the face of great obstacle, loss or disappointment.

“It will either work out or it won’t.” Said when encountering what seemed like the unsurmountable decision.

“No one ever died from that.” Said when it was time to toughen up, face the truth, and move forward.

“Men are a dastardly lot.” Said when I faced crushing loss of my first love.

There are so many others, and they come to me now at perfect moments, and yet, I am left to deliver them to myself. She is without voice now, or very little capacity to say what she wants to say.

I will never be her. I never aspired to be, and she never wanted me to be. She simply wanted me to be me. It is my greatest and most difficult work. I continue on, and honor here as a strong, strong woman, who did it all with grace, great honor and humbleness.

“A little lip color and a great outfit can turn your day around.” How was this possible I wondered through my sadness? She was right.

And so, with a little lip color and a great outfit, I will face this day, not knowing if it is her last, but determined to carry on her legacy through all my acts of kindness, strength and all things me.

Mom, you live on in every hopeful moment, in every simple joy and wonder. Thank you, dearest of souls, for it all.