How to Have a Book Launch as a Nobody

I am a nobody. Let me clarify. I am a “nobody” in the book world as of yet. When my book, Out of Place: A Coming of Age Memoir in Cold War Germany comes out Fall 2024, distributed by Simon and Schuster, I hope to become a “somebody.”

     My quandary: How to have a Book Launch as a “Nobody.” Where does one have this Launch? How does the discussion and  decision to attend such launch go? “Hey, let’s take some time from our massively busy lives and attend a Book Reading and Signing of a Nobody. Won’t that be great! What to wear? I hope Ms. Nobody will personalize my book.”

      Yeah, like that is going to happen. What if I got really great professional headshots? You know, like big fan blowing my long, shining silvers into a cascade of moonlight, and my face glows with a dewiness it hasn’t seen since my oil slick skin days of yore. Perhaps that would bring people in. “Oh, she looks interesting.”

     No, I don’t see that happening either (However I do plan do have professional headshots. Fan blown hair, is optional).

      What if no one comes? What if a few people show up for a while and then walk off, pushing their metal folding chairs as they walk out, creating a scraping sound that makes my teeth hurt?

     Truly, how do I get people to show up? I have been working my ass off on Social Media for over a year. It has been fun, it has been weird too. Like hundreds of silver haired men wanting to “Follow” me on Instagram. What’s the point here people? It’s just really weird. How did they find me?

     I like my little group of followers on “X Marks the Spot” (formerly known as Twitter). The confusing thing to me, is how some people get so many responses to seemingly innocuous questions. The most action I ever got, was when I posted that I hate the word/term “Resonate.” For the record, I still hate it. It’s so phony. “Oh, that really resonated with me.” You know what other word I hate, “Puce.” What’s up with that word. It just sounds like it should be used in the sentence, “All he had after a night of hard drinking was the puce colored vomit.”

     Back to the book launch. The memoir takes place in Germany. Maybe a Bier garden? Wouldn’t people show up for free beer? This begs the question. Accordion player or no accordion player?

     Would I be able to stand it, if it were in a book store and no one came over to my table? What if they just all uncomfortably passed by me, thinking, “Never heard of her?” This would not be good.

     I may have to spring for the fan at the Headshot shoot. It may be my only chance. You know, all black and white arty looking, like I “am” somebody. Why do people attend events? What makes them go?

     Help me out here people. What would get you to go to a book launch? Drop your thoughts/ideas in the comments below. Thank you for reading!