Beginner's Mind at Age 61
Beginner’s Mind at Age 61
About ten years ago, I was out in Santa Cruz, CA. attending a Summer Seminar as a required part of my Masters’s Degree in Transpersonal Psychology. The Speaker of the day was quite enigmatic and I along with the other attendees were quite enraptured with his words, his confidence, and his dictate to “attend life with a Beginner’s Mind”.
I assumed, that since he was preaching for us to do so, he did so as well. Not so. After leading us through a Guided Meditation, we were to each share the “visions” revealed to us. Others reflected on visions of grand eagles, mountain tops, and clouds of stunning colors. When it was my turn, I spoke the truth of my vision and said, “Basil and tomatoes”.
His eyebrows raised, a quick smirk crossed his face and was then sucked back in, but I had seen the “Stupid Girl” judgment he felt about me. I had not responded with “his” idea of a Beginner’s Mind. I was under the impression, that “Truth” was central to this concept-apparently, for this svengali, it was not. Non-conformity is not always welcome even among the self-professed, celebrated Non-Conformists.
It was at that moment, every fiber of my being wanted to scream aloud, “You and all the others are so fake and phony!” I had paid $$$ and thought better of doing so, and instead cried stinging, snotty tears with heaving shoulders all the way back to the cabin where I was staying along with my Honey and my daughter for that week, in Felton.
It was not the first, or the last time I would be devastated by the “expert”. Now, at age 61, and beginning Chapter 2 (I call it the “How Mary Got Her Groove Back” writing career.), I am facing the experts again and their reception has been largely like that of the Svengali Summer Seminar man.
The difference now, is that I turn on music that makes me happy (just finished listening to “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” by Lenny Kravitz) and I chalk their rejection comments veiled in passive-aggressive statements of “There were some nice things here,” as their loss. It still hurts, but I recognize that I am an outlier and by and large the world doesn’t know what to do with we outliers. Yes, it’s The Island of Misfit Toys and sometimes very lonely.
I will not give up. I will bend like Bamboo in the wind and then spring back up and spread.
I too am 61 and for the first time since I was like 11, I can just be. At times in my life I cared way too much about how other's saw me. I would evolve and think that "I no longer care about what others think of me ." The universe would then test that theory by throwing me some curve ball that demonstrated otherwise. 61 and I want nothing to do with expectation and judgment. I have lost friends and loved ones and yet here I am. I still get to experience life and have such gratitude for that life and the energy and enthusiam I have for it. Others are in their lane and I am in mine and I am free to let them be and to just be me. I see beginner's mind as a mind that is present and willing to experience the moment - to take it in and appreciate it. Every once in a while I feel a twinge of judgment like when I see an unflattering picture of myself or if I find myself having an unkind judgment about someone else but I quickly shake that shit off.
I have always been known to go left when everyone else was going right! This story shines for me! Funny, though, as I grew, I held onto that need for the different, while “falling in line” behind the others. I did not want to see “that look” on other people’s face, like that of your Svengali man! I’m striving to break free of those chains to once again be just me! I love this story, Mary! Thank you!